Outrageous poker tweets that hit too close to home

There are very few things in this world that I am certain of.

I’m not sure if (mostly because it scares me witless), or whether raises my hormone levels.

I’m also not completely convinced that actually exists, or that we haven’t been dropped here by some sadistic higher power as some sort of perverse practical joke.

But there is one thing I know for certain. Some people are very, very funny. So funny in fact, that it offends me that they aren’t all millionaire comedians by now.

The Top 10 Poker Comedians on Twitter

We are lucky enough to live in an age where people will post their best stuff online for free. You won’t see any tweets from these guys best shared on Facebook or Google + (yuck).

They share their brilliance with the world via so I figure the least I can do is shine a light on their comedic genius once a month and force it down your throats in the guise of a poker column.

You can follow these guys/girls and more on our to make sure you don’t miss out on any of their golden tweets.

10) Shaniac

Why he’s funny: There are a lot of smart poker players who try to use humor to connect with fans but ultimately fail because they just aren’t that funny.

Then there are poker players who aren’t particularly intelligent but say dumb things so frequently that some of it is bound stick.

JC Tran is neither especially clever nor especially dumb; he’s just naturally funny. When he isn’t busy and on Twitter he is a consistently strong source of amusement.

Best Online Casinos in Pennsylvania for 2023

BEST OF SHANIAC ON TWITTER:

Was in the bathroom taking a dump then heard the water was off so I went back to the sink and brushed my teeth.

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Just had a dream that I was a mermaid and half way through I was like “this is pointless, I'm still going to need air”

— JC (@JC_Tran)

If Reese Witherspoon can get arrested for soliciting Dick in the woods then why can't Phil Ivey get away with edge sorting?

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Found a dollar bill in my coat pocket from last year. Scored big at the casino!

— JC (@JC_Tran)

My friend said "Life is short, you might as well enjoy it" so now I'm chewing gum and shaking a maracas while I pee.

— JC (@JC_Tran)

I tried to crack a cold one last night but it didn't work.

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Bought a vacuum today. Went straight to the top of my list of things I'd rather be doing than fuc*king women.

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Stayed at a hotel last week that had a doorbell. Spent the entire time wondering how they expected me to answer "Who is it?"

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Got a new coffee maker that comes with a pod sampler. It's like Christmas every morning.

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Why does a shrimp's head look like Alan Thicke

— JC (@JC_Tran)

Related Post:

9) Kane Kalas

Why he’s funny: If you were to create a poker player in a lab specifically to annoy the shit out of people, his name would be Kane Kalas.

He would be white, male, under 30, named after an action movie star and would ask questions all the time.

The good news is that unlike most of his character traits at the table, it isn’t intentionally annoying; he just seems to have a natural funny bone. Thankfully away from the tables.

BEST OF KANE KALAS ON TWITTER:

If you go on an empty stomach can fast food be considered a steal?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

If I died right now, do you think the autopsy guy would be disappointed there was no fight?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

Is there a word for when you forget someone's face but their name stays embedded in your brain? Does Wikipedia count?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

If I ate an entire cake in one sitting, could I claim it as my daily allowance of fruit?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

How long can you legally carry around a World Series of Poker water cup before it becomes a weapon?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

Do people who put limes in their beer think they're making marginally better margaritas?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

If I buy a Subway footlong and only ask for ten inches, am I the erectile dysfunction of the sandwich world?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, did it bother trying to seek attention through passive aggressive means?

— Kane Kalas (@kanekalas)

Related Post:

8) Matt Berkey

Why he’s funny: Most people think that Matt Berkey is obnoxious in real life, which I guess kind of proves the old adage that “you can be as big a dick as you want online, as long as people think you’re funny.”

Berkey has the unique ability to take himself seriously in one medium (poker), while simultaneously acknowledging that none of it really matters in another (Twitter).

BEST OF MATT BERKEY ON TWITTER:

If I start a GoFundMe page to raise money for me to stop being poor, will anyone care?

— Matt Berkey (@MattBerkey)

Why does chocolate milk expire faster than regular milk? Is it because it's actually just a trick chocolate milk gets up early and pours itself in the trash?

— Matt Berkey (@MattBerkey)

If I buy a burger without ketchup and replace it with mayo, does that make me a bold pionearian of taste or just a dude who likes gross burgers?

— Matt Berkey (@MattBerkey)

If I sell all my possessions and buy a yacht, will people finally take me seriously when I tell them I'm a seabound sea prince?

— Matt Berkey (@MattBerkey)

If I hire a skywriter to write out "STAAT BONEN LIE DIRK GROENEVELD!" in vapor trails over South Africa, will Danny Negreanu sue me for copyright infringement?

— Matt Berkey (@MattBerkey)

If I were literally anything other than myself, would people treat me differently? So many unanswered questions.

— Matt Berkey (@MattBerkey)

Related Post:

7) King Ortiz

Why he’s funny: Roberto Romanello performs under the name King Ortiz on Twitter, perhaps as a reminder that he won a bracelet playing orthodox conservative poker while dressed as a Mexican bandit.

It takes a special type of personality to pull off self-deprecation, which thankfully Romanello has in spades.

BEST OF ROBERTO ROMANELLO ON TWITTER:

If I eat a whole pizza by myself am I breaking anymore rules besides "be attractive"?

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

Have you ever noticed that "Diet" coke doesn't actually make you lose weight? Its whole pitch should be illegal.

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

If I order a side salad with my steak, does that make me a healthy person or just a dude who enjoys drowning greens in ranch?

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

How many bananas do you have to eat before you're allowed to call yourself a bunch of bananas?

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

Do people who put hot sauce on ice cream think they've invented some kind of breakfast food?

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

If I start a restaurant called "Two scoops" that only serves ice cream sundaes, will people think I'm a genius or just a dude who likes dessert?

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

Have you ever realized that "Diet Dr. Pepper" is like describing a dog as "Lean Beef."

— King Ortiz (@R Romeo)

Related Post:

6) Angel Guillaume

Why he’s funny: A relative newcomer to the EPT circuit, Angel Guillaume cut his comedy teeth working as a writer for PokerListings Spain before earning a single Spanish point.

Thankfully now that he has several EPT cashes under his belt, he can balance writing for us with a few trivial tactics tournaments here and there.

BEST OF ANGEL GUILLAUME ON TWITTER:

If I bought a car without doors, would it be legal to drive it without a license?

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

Why does my computer have a fan? Isn't that like buying a car with an air conditioner but no roof?

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

Have you ever tried to catch snowflakes on your tongue and ended up swallowing a gallon of slush? Is it just me?

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

If I buy a jacket three sizes too small to force myself to go to the gym, will people admire my abs or just throw me a heater?

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

Why does my TV remote control require batteries? Couldn't they just hardwire the thing into the set? That would simplify my life.

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

If I wear sandals year round, at what point am I required to register as a sex offender in every state?

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

Have you ever tried to lick your elbow? I bet you can't do it. Don't even try, trust me on this one.
Reasons to Play at “In-Browser” Online Casinos
— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

If I start a restaurant that serves nothing but gravy, will people think I'm a genius or just a man obsessed with roast beef Sundays?

— Angel Guillamae (@AngelGuillamae)

Related Post:

5) Eric ‘Rizen’ Lynch

Why he’s funny: Eric Lynch plays poker for a living, which is ridiculous because he is easily the funniest person in the game who doesn’t get paid to be.

Incredibly observant and acutely aware of human behavior, Rizen somehow manages to find humor in even the most mundane situations.

BEST OF ERIC LYNCH ON TWITTER:

If I started a dating site called "Wheely Singles" where everyone had to meet at Denny's, would anyone care?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

Does a hummingbird get dizzy if it stops for gas?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

If I ordered a side of Creamed Chipped Beef with my Cheeseburger, would that make me a culinary revolutionary or just really constipated?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

Why do they call it "daylight savings time"? Because summer is when stupid people add an "a" to "lietuenant."

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

Have you ever pushed the height adjustment on your desk chair all the way up, just to get an extra foot of extension cord?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

Why does my phone come with a wall charger but no actual walls?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

If I bought a motorized shopping cart, would it be legal to drive it in the street?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

Does a bear get startled when the berry it's eating hits its lip?

— Eric Lynch (@ewlynchs)

Related Post:

4) Jen Shahade

Why she’s funny: Some people seem to view poker as a purely mathematical endeavor, while former poker pro turned author Jen Shahade recognizes that life, and poker, is mostly just a series of opportunities to communicate.

Always insightful and often hilarious, Shahade uses social media to promote her latest book, (which just came out on Audible ) but stays on the poker feed because she is so damn funny.

BEST OF JEN SHAHADE ON TWITTER:

If I were a plant, what kind of plant would I be? Would they even have a "none of your business" plant? Because that's the kind I'd like.

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

Is it just me, or does the little WiFi icon on your phone kind of look like a drunk alien?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

If I got a tattoo of the emoji with the stuck out tongue, would people take me more seriously as a threatening individual?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

Why is it that when you take an empty bottle back to the store, you get a refund, but when you return an empty hummus container, you're the idiot?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

Have you ever looked at a clock when the time was 4:20 and smiled? Did the clock judge you for smoking too much weed in high school?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

Why does my phone have a flashlight, but no freakin' stapler?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

Is it just me or does the "do not enter" sign make you want to open the door and peak in just to be polite?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

If I bought a car without seatbelts, would that make it public transportation?

— Jennifer Shahade (@jenshahade)

Related Post:

3) Lem Carter

Why he’s funny: We tend to take ourselves way too seriously in this game and Carter is a nice antidote to all the arrogant alpha-males who think they were put on this earth to play cards and breed.

A genuine, kind hearted soul who just happens to be exceptionally sharp at the green felt. His tweets provide a welcome dose of reality during what can often be a delusional existence on the road.

BEST OF LEWCAR29 ON TWITTER:

If I made a sandwich with mayonnaise on both slices of bread, would that be considered progress in my community?

— lewcarl29 (@lewcart)

Why does my computer "recommend" I buy commercial software that gets constantly out-innovated by the free, open-source alternative?

— lewcart (@lewcart)

Have you ever wished for a world without punctuation? I bet you can't wait. Go on, no pressure.

— lewcart(@lewcart)

How many bananas do I have to peel before someone says "hey, nice arm!"

— lewcart (@lewcart)

If I bought a toilet without a seat, would that be legal? And by legal, I mean, would people stop looking at me weird.

— lewcart (@lewcart)

Have you ever tried to close a door with a paper towel in your hand? What about a roll of toilet paper? Anyone succeed?

— lewcart (@lewcart)

If I learned how to program, would people stop asking me if I deal blackjack? You guys realize I have principles, right?

— lewcart (@lewcart)

How many apples would I have to catch before I'm allowed to sing "My apple tree, my apple tree, they hang so high, I don't know why, I really love to pick 'em, my apple tree, I'd never trade ya, yay, yay, yay"

— lewcart (@lewcart)

Related Post:

2) Paul Vas Nung

Why he’s funny: No matter how successful he becomes in the game, veteran pro Paul Vas Nunes will always be known as the “Nung” who wrote the famous for PokerListings.com

A keen observer of society, Vas Nunes keeps his finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture while staying on top of his poker game. One of the most likable guys on the scene, it’s impossible not to laugh when you read one of his tweets.

BEST OF PAUL VAS NUNGES ON TWITTER:

If I wore slippers with socks, would that make me the Michael Jordan of indoor fashion?

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

Have you ever tried to sneeze with your eyes closed? Does your head explode?

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

Why does my internet provider offer a "family plan," as if anyone with young children has the time for the internet these days.

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

If I ate a whole bag of flour gummies, would that make me a baker?

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

Why don't they make cars with ceilings? That would really tie the room together.

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

Have you ever used a dry erase board before all the ink had dried? Did anybody care?

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

Does my laptop get bored when I close the lid and take it with me? Like, does it picture all sorts of adventures it could be having while trapped inside my bag?

— Paul Vas Nunes (@VanNutty)

Related Post:

1) Jim Collopy

Why he’s funny: Retired pro Jim Collopy won the first-ever SCOOP main event on PokerStars, but his true legacy will be the laughter he brings to thousands of strangers on Twitter each day.

california casino apps

Collopy has an incredible talent for distilling complex theories into simple soundbites, which makes him incredibly popular among poker players. Frankly, he’s so consistently funny it’s tough to choose just a few of his best tweets.

BEST OF JIM COLLOPY ON TWITTER:

If I started a religious cult where the only rule was "don't think," how many people would join, and would anyone care that I stole those bitcoins last November?

— James Colrapandy (@JimCollopy)

Why does my car have a radio, but no telephone?

— James Colrapandy (@JimCollopy)

Are stairs lazy’s ingenious solution to the problems of vertical mobility?

— James Colrapandy (@JimCollopy)

Why is it that when you take an expired coupon to the supermarket, you’re the idiot, but when you show up at the movies with a home printout of "The Dark Knight" in lieu of a ticket, they just smile and seat you?