- If you’re not having fun while playing a slot machine it probably isn’t worth your time.
- Some outdated slot machines just can’t compete with modern slots in terms of entertainment value.
- Read about five different slot machines that you should think twice before playing at a casino.
Let’s just get this out of the way right now — there is no such thing as a bad slot machine.
Some are just worse than others, of course. But even the most antiquated, out-of-touch slot machine has the potential to pay off and make someone a quick winner.
That being said; are some that just aren’t all that much fun to play. These are often older games which have been phased out by manufacturers, or cheap offerings from unknown producers.
If you find yourself sitting down in front of one of these games, the chances of you getting up in a hurry go way up. This isn’t always the case, however.
As with anything else in the casino, your main goal when playing slot machines is to have fun. If the slot machine you’re playing isn’t providing any enjoyment, what’s the point?
Here are five slot machines you might want to avoid the next time you hit the casino.
5. Wheel of Fortune
The game show may be an American institution, but the slot machine version of Pat Sajak’s brainchild has never really caught on with gamblers.
To be fair, there are still people who seek out these games whenever they enter a casino.
This I have a hard time understanding; the last thing I want when I’m gambling is to feel rushed. The timers on the Wheel of Fortune slot machine put a great deal of pressure on the player to make decisions quickly.
When you add the “mini” and “major” jackpot system into the mix, things can get even crazier. Suddenly your quarter slot machine has turned into a multi-player lottery, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.
Best Video Poker Jackpot Games You Need to Know AboutOf course these games are still popular because they regularly turn quarter players into dollar players. That’s the draw of the Wheel of Fortune slot machine—low bets with high upside.
Unless seeing that neon logo makes your heart flutter, I’d say there are plenty of other games better suited to your needs.
I recommend taking a look at our list of high return-to-player (RTP) slot machines below if you’re looking for games with a strong track record of paying customers.
4. Crash Test Dummies Slot Machine
I’m going to level with you here – I don’t like licensing deals.
Best International Online Casinos Ranked (outside of US)There was a time when slot machine manufacturers were scrambling to fill gaming floors with new games, and branded slots were few and far between.
Now that everyone competes in an online space as well, every other month seems to bring a new batch of Seinfeld, Ghostbusters, and Wheel of Fortune slots.
Having played all of those games, I can safely say that they don’t differ all that much from their non–brand name counterparts. The biggest difference is that people are more likely to give them a try because of the license.
The absolute worst offender of this that I’ve ever come across was the .
Why would anyone think that people wanting to play a slot machine based on two nutrient-deprived mannequins are out there? More importantly, how did this particular game make it past the concept stage and into actual production?
I’ll probably never have an answer for either of those questions. What I do know is that you should never feel compelled to play a slot machine just because you recognize the name or face.
There are so many quality games on the floor these days that you shouldn’t have to stoop to settling for a themed game you don’t otherwise want to play.
3. Russell Banks’s Family Album
It’s easy to confuse “highbrow” with “good,” which is apparently what happened here.
US States With Surprisingly Liberally Gambling LawsWritten off as “a book about photographs” by many readers, never made it onto the best seller lists. Copies of the novel collect dust on used bookstore shelves everywhere.
So why in the world would anyone think that people would want to play a slot machine based on the book? Answers, Casinyc—I need answers.
From what I can gather, the main gimmick of this slot machine is that each spin presents a series of polaroids that tell a story. Subsequent spins build upon those earlier stories.
In theory this sounds pretty cool—in practice it’s probably a snooze fest. Anyone who has read a book of short stories knows that hitting a homerun with every single tale is no small feat. There’s a reason why collections like have such a high batting average.
Even if every single story in this hypothetical slot machine was fantastic, I can’t see the novelty wearing on very thick. Again, I stress that you’re at the casino to have fun.
Playing a slot machine you don’t enjoy just for the sake of doing so is a losing proposition—literally and figuratively.
2. Hallelujah!
Amanda Palmer’s Kickstarter campaign notwithstanding, religious themes don’t exactly lend themselves to fundraising.
That apparent disconnect between religion and cash is part of the reason why I find to be such a strange beast.
No Deposit Free Spins Casino in the US (And Other Bonuses)Who was the person that looked at a slot machine based on , complete with five bonus levels correlated to the Five Praiseworthy Names of God, and went, “Yes. This will attract denizens of the casino.”
The symbols on the reels include a menorah, Star of David, and what appears to be a smiling Jesus. Yes, Jesus. Smiling.
The whole enterprise comes across as gimmicky at best and insulting at worst. No matter what your religious views may be, you probably didn’t start coming to the casino to play a slot machine honoring them.
I’m all for branching out into new demographics and whatnot, but this doesn’t seem like the best way to go about things. Perhaps a “Fortuna” themed slot with a laughing Medusa as the bonus symbol would be a bigger draw.
Maybe I’m overthinking this.
Regardless of whether or not you find any religious iconography creepy or out-of-place in a casino, this slot machine is almost certainly not found on any given gaming floor. I’ve never seen it mentioned anywhere outside of various Las Vegas “Worst to Best” lists, so kudos if you manage to find it and beat me to a review.
1. The Fabulous World of Iztar
We close out our list of slot machines you shouldn’t play with perhaps the weirdest entry yet another supposedly lost civilization.
Join the warrior princess of Iztar on her quest to defeat evil and save the world in this exciting new slot from …nobody.
I can find absolutely nowhere what manufacturer produces this particular slot machine. Worse yet, I can’t even determine what gaming floor(s)? it currently resides on.
All of the text I found describing the game comes from a single source, Planet Media. Seeing as how Planet Media is a company specializing in producing game guides, that doesn’t exactly instill me with confidence.
All of the text I found describing the game comes from a single source, Planet Media. Seeing as how Planet Media is a company specializing in producing game guides, that doesn’t exactly instill me with confidence.
Anyone can write anything and say, “A blogger said this about ______,” lends whatever subject an air of legitimacy. When that happens with a slot machine that I’ve never heard of from a manufacturer I can’t identify, I start to tune out.
Juego Online Casino No Deposit Bonus Offers to Claim in Espańa - #1 RankedThe fact that the game takes place in a world inspired by Sumer—a Mesopotamian civilization dating back to 4000–2350 B.C.E.—doesn’t help matters much either. How many people who play slot machines on a regular basis (or even semi-regular basis) know what Sumer is? I sure as shot don’t.
My main problem with this game, though, is the premise itself.
Slot machines are a form of escape for most players—few people want to play a game where the theme is saving the world from certain doom. Part of the fun of slots is the illusion of control you have at the player.
With that illusion goes a large portion of the fun most people have when they plop down in front of a slot machine. I can’t in good faith tell you to run to the casino to see if this game is real.
For what it’s worth, you can play a free version of on his site. As far as I can remember none of the casinos under the Caesars umbrella carry this game, so consider that free trial cancelled.
Avoiding Bad Slots in the Casino
Just because a slot machine looks sketchy does not mean that you’re guaranteed to lose money if you play it.
One of the key tenets of the casino is that the house always wins, after all. Sketchy slot machines, awesome slot machines—it matters not to the house.
What does matter is that you’re having fun. It doesn’t matter if you’re spinning the reels of Mega Moolah or or sending Iztar on another quest, you should dig what you’re doing.
2023's Best Casino Jobs - (and How Much Do Casinos Pay)Of course knowing which slots to play and which ones to avoid takes time. If you want some guidance in that area, allow the muse of slot machines to guide you to the best games around.
Looking for something a little more concrete? Check out our completely objective list of the best slot machines for 2019.
Because, you know, objectivity is important and all.
Do you agree with my assessment of these oddball slot machines? Are there any other awful slot machines you think deserve an honorable mention? Let me know in the comments section below!
Disclaimer: All images adapted from their respective Game King books.
About the author: Ryan A. Leonard is a professional writer - - and an avid gambler. He's maintained a presence in the poker community since he was in college, and he continues to play today.
